Late Show with David Letterman Season 12 Show #2396

Dave points out that CBS is airng stock footage of a guy wresting an ostrich to compete with NBC's Olympic coverage; director Chris Kentis promotes Open Water; ""Still Standing"" star Renee Olstead performs a scorching rendition of ""Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby.""

Dave has difficulty explaining to Paul what exactly animal photographer Sam Easterson does; Dave shows another out-of-focus clip from the Olympics; Denis Leary promotes the FX hit drama ""Rescue Me.""

""CBS Mailbag"" features Dave getting friendly with U.S. Olympic volleyball stars Kerri Walsh & Misty May (bogus), Alan Kalter's ""You're Busted"" at Ranch 1, and New Jersey going ""Gay Crazy;"" gold medalist Paul Hamm visits.

A man from Pennsylvania turns himself into a human jack o'lantern on ""Audience Show & Tell;"" ten U.S. Olympians present the Top Ten; political writer Maureen Dowd makes several alarming comments on the presidential election.

Osama bin Laden announces that he wants to replace Craig Kilborn as host of the Late Late Show; Dave celebrates 11 years at CBS with a timeline; Biff reports from the Republican National Convention, with a goal to hug as many ""Republican Babes"" as possible.

Jane Pauley promotes her new book, talk show, and bipolar disorder.

Dave brags about working on Labor Day; like it does every year, a runaway taxi ruins the staff Labor Day barbecue (and runs over Alan); three National Hollerin' Champions do their thing; Neve Campbell; Keane performs ""Somewhere Only We Know.""

At Hello Deli: Rupert selects a contestant to play the ""Late Show Heart Bypass Scramble;"" Regis promotes his new standards CD; Alan recaps his summer, with the usual results; Hoobastank performs ""Same Direction.""

""CBS Mailbag"" introduces Rupert's new ""girlfriend,"" answers the question, ""Does Dave ever sing?"" and features Alan's message to Hillary Clinton; Martin Short; ""Late Show Back to School Tips;"" Alan Jackson sings.

Biff spends the day at New York-Presbyterian Hospital with Dr. Lou Arrone; an educational segment with Alan and an animated rodent goes awry; Ray Romano talks about the final season of ""Everybody Loves Raymond;"" Avril Lavigne performs ""My Happy Ending.""

Dave and Drew Barrymore discuss their long-dormant drinking problems; amputee Aron Ralston returns to the show to promote his new book.

Dave comments on the CBS News scandal; John Kerry performs the Top Ten and gets grilled by Dave; Green Day performs ""American Idiot.""

Stand-ins for Dave and Dr. Phil stand in the gallows; in honor of a recent stunt on Oprah, everyone in the audience gets an automobile air freshener; Alan unintentionally admits that he's sexual dysfunctional.

Nobel prize winner Professor Robert A. Mundell reads aloud from Paris Hilton's book; Kelly Ripa; poker champion Annie Duke; Elvis Costello & the Imposters perform.

As it does every season, Alan's hair changes colors; Dave comments on Conan O'Brien's promotion to hosting The Tonight Show in 2009, then openly asks if he can go back to NBC to host Late Night; a Kodomo Dragon (courtesy of Jack Hanna) startles Dave.

Dave mentions Paul's line of handbags again, while John Goodman promotes ""Father of the Pride"" and ""Center of the Universe.""

Live via satellite, Rupert plays bingo; Dave shows a photo of Harry shaking hands with one of the Stangel brothers; Tony ruins the ending of another movie En Espanol, then goes off on one of his trademark rants.

CBS Mailbag: Dave shows an ad for Martha Stewart's farewell show, then has a heart-to-heart with ""Pete Rose"" (Gerard); magician Jason Randal dazzles Dave with some card tricks.

Dave has another rant about Jay Leno's five-year notice to NBC; an autumn in New York quiz; a still graphic acknowledges the passing of staffer Dorothy Chambers; Howard Dean shills for John Kerry; George Clarke's ""It's A Fact;"" Franz Ferdinand performs ""Take Me Out.""

""Mount Late Show"" erupts repeatedly in the backdrop; a schoolmarm plays ""Would You Like to Touch the Meat?""; Mario Andretti presents the Top Ten.

""Know Your Current Events;"" Donald Trump plays (and wins) ""Trump Or Monkey;"" SpaceShipOne pilot Brian Binnie; Minnie Driver sings ""Everything I've Got In My Pocket.""

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Dave promotes the new Late Show newsletter, which includes an Alan Kalter centerfold; Brooke Shields visits; director-raconteur Barry Sonnenfeld returns to tell more amusing stories, and show samples of his martini art.

Live via satellite, Martha Stewart gets caught in a prison catfight; an NYU student plays ""Guess the Bulge"" at Hello Deli; Jordan Zevon (son of Warren) and The Wallflowers perform ""Lawyers, Guns, and Money.""

Dave has a new favorite phrase (""We must protect this house!"") while J.Lo promotes the remake of the Japanese romantic comedy Shall We Dance?

""CBS Mailbag"" with CBS holding auditions for Dave's replacement, George Clarke learning to play drums and Gerard Mulligan returning as ""George W. Bush;"" Tony Danza on his new talk show; Dave chats with Julia Roberts' niece Emma; Brian Regan does standup.

Sarah Michelle Gellar plugs The Grudge; 2004 Indy Racing League Champion Tony Kanaan visits; Sparta performs.

""Stump The Band;"" live via satellite, Martha Stewart gets caught in yet another catfight; Curt Schilling presents the Top Ten; Dustin Hoffman makes spit bubbles; Joss Stone performs.

Dave's annual (and quite early) look at ""Halloween Costumes;"" George Clarke with a premature reminder about the end of Daylight Savings Time (Dave makes him down chocolate syrup); Amy Sedaris discusses her bunny and imaginary husband ""Ricky;"" Tommy Lee talks about his book, Tommy Land.

Dave plugs his and Paul's (bogus) ""Decision 2004 Election Showdown Countdown Vote 2004 Democracy Corner"" for tomorrow night's election coverage; Rupert reports from St. Louis and Game 4 of the World Series; Johnny Damon recalls Boston's come-from-behind triumph; Anne Heche talks about parenthood and Birth; The Donnas perform ""Fall Behind Me.""

Dave, Alan, Paul and George Clarke all comment on Bush's reelection; Tom Brokaw wishes Harry a happy first birthday; Dave flirts with Mischa Barton of ""The O.C."" to hide the fact that he's never seen the show.

""Know Your Current Events;"" an 882 pound pumpkin is exploded on 53rd St.; Rosie Perez is tricked (once) by Dave into mentioning her Isuzu Trooper; Steven Wright.

""CBS Mailbag;"" Al Franken explains the Electoral College to Dave; Kristen Bell visits; Project Bandaloop's performance is postponed because of heavy rain in Manhattan.

The annual run-through by NYC Marathon winners; Ball State University sophomore Ryan Carney adds to his Late Show tattoo collection; Tom Hanks on Scottish Mexican food, vomiting and The Polar Express; Nelly.

During Mailbag, Rupert admits to learning how flirt with women from Bill O'Reilly; Canadian-born TV actress Evangeline Lilly hugs Paul; after a one-week holdover, Project Bandaloop finally trapezes around the building.

Dave experiments with new camera angles by sitting on the edge of his desk; live in the green room, we meet a man who has collected pennies for over thirty years and amassed a fortune of roughly $28; Dave and Nicholas Cage talk about motorcycles.

Dave shows a faux ad for a 1,420-calorie cheeseburger at Hardee's (""Warning: Do Not Eat""); Howard Stern likens himself to Oprah; Alanis Morissette performs ""Knees of My Bees.""

A telenovela catfight turns into a Pistons-Pacers basketball game; Rupert and a woman from Alabama drop fake turkeys off the top of the theater; Pittsburgh Steelers wonderkind Ben Roethlisberger participates in the latest Late Show QB Challenge.

In honor of Thanksgiving, Dave detonates a cannon filled with stuffing; Whoopi Goldberg promotes her one-woman Broadway show; Marilyn Manson performs the Depeche Mode classic ""Personal Jesus.""

Via satellite from Indianapolis: The annual Thanksgiving pie-guess with Dave's mom (and dinner guest Marv Albert); Natalie Portman talks about an earlier Thanksgiving day LS appearance and plugs Closer; a Late Show Turkey Recall Announcement; John Mayer performs.

During Mailbag, CBS suit Vinnie Favale announces a stricter policy on vulgarity on the network that may work to Dave's disadvantage; Senator-elect Barack Obama radiates charm and confidence while discussing politics; Dave and Jessica Biel swap stories about their dogs.

Tonight's ""Spanish Soap Opera Highlight of the Night"" seems to include a round of ""Got Your Nose,"" while Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel does a demonstration out on 53rd Street.

""Stump the Band"" continues to mystify Paul and company; Dave chats with Sharon Reed, the Ohio-based TV reporter who stripped naked for a Spencer Tunick project; Lyle Lovett performs ""In My Own Mind.""

As they do every year, Rupert, Joe G, Mujibur, and Sirajul place their edible ""angel"" on top of the Late Show Christmas tree; Jim Carrey discusses ab-crunches; Alan flips out while singing ""The Little Drummer Boy""; Ashanti performs ""Only U.""

Adam Sandler promotes Spanglish and performs his rendition of Warren Zevon's ""Werewolves of London;"" Shannon Eis with a look at new toys for the holidays.

""America's Next Top Model"" winner Eva presents the Top Ten; Kate Beckinsale pushes The Aviator; Ciara performs with Missy Elliott.

Dave's monologue is interupted by a surprise appearance from Billy Crystal (promoting the one-man Broadway show ""700 Sundays""); Dave introduces ""The Nog-Cam;"" 10 carolers present the Top Ten; Broadway star Kristen Johnston opens up to Dave about her recent mugging; Tom Dreesen tells another story about opening for Frank Sinatra.

Dave wishes everyone a happy new year, then accentuates his goals for 2005 (he plans to use the word ""snarky"" more often); ""Biff Henderson: Pollster"" roams the streets once more; Hilary Swank plugs Million Dollar Baby; Andy Dick talks about his crabs; Green Day performs ""Boulevard of Broken Dreams.""

A shocking message from Dubya; Dave contines his use of all the following: carbs, steroids and the word ""snarky;"" ""Celebrity Resolutions"" goes straight into the dumper; Alan's new show, ""Desperate House Gal;"" Kevin Bacon; Caroline Rhea; Wilco performs ""Late Greats.""

Rudy Giuliani talks baseball; 11-year-old percussion prodigy Daniel Banks hits the skins; Dave's stand-in finally gets his moment in the spotlight.

Amy Sedaris laments the death of her imaginary boyfriend; Andy Kindler performs stand-up.

Dave calls up Patriots fan -- and ""D Fence"" guy -- Gary Wren, who drops an ""F bomb;"" Rupert learns karate at Tiger Schulmann's; the always on edge Jack Hanna with animals; Alan admits to being jealous of Jack Hanna, then has another hissy fit (and drops an ""F bomb""); Teri Polo on her experiences making Meet The Fockers.

""Stump The Band;"" Dave shows off his ""baby Borg"" trophy; Robert Downey, Jr. instructs Dave on the finer points of bil jee and performs a song from his new CD; Nicole Richie plugs ""The Simple Life: Interns.""

""Late Show Week in Review"": On a special episode of the controversial Fox show ""Who's Your Daddy?"" the contestant's biological father pummels an amorous Alan; Dave discusses the art of comedy with legendary funnyman Jerry Lewis.

Dave's first new show following the death of Johnny Carson is an hour-long tribute, featuring clips of Johnny's appearances on both ""Late Show"" and ""Late Night,"" and the ""Tonight Show"" clip of Johnny stealing Dave's pickup truck; longtime ""Tonight"" producer Peter Lassally; former ""Tonight"" bandleader Doc Severinsen and former NBC Orchestra members Tommy Newsom and Ed Shaughnessy perform one of Johnny's favorite songs, ""Here's That Rainy Day.""

Dave shows ""actual"" footage of the Hubble Telescope; Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai promotes Bride and Prejudice; 3 Doors Down performs ""Let Me Go.""

During ""Week in Review,"" Alan previews the Grammys by singing Tone Luc's ""Wild Thing;"" ten divorce attorneys present the Top Ten; Dave eats a sample of Paris Hilton's new lipstick.

Competitive eater ""Crazy Legs"" Conti attempts to break the world's oyster-eating record in the lobby of The Ed; ""Stupid Pet Tricks"" features three dogs (none too crazy about the oysters); Bonnie Hunt remembers Johnny Carson (and tries an oyster).

Dave demands to be grilled on the annual Barbara Walters Oscar special, but only if he does the interview with Oprah by his side; ""Harold Larkin's Sidewalk Idol"" searches for the next great singing talent; Kings of Leon perform ""The Bucket.""

Giant rats attack Christo's Gates; Dave comes up with a number of synonyms for inhaling marijuana; Alan editorializes on President Bush, only to float toward promoting a bootleg sex tape he made in 1989.

""Late Show Week in Review"": Dubya (mis)pronounces ""nuclear"" five different ways, while a Flashdancers employee dances around one of Christo's Gates. Also, Lego expert Nathan Sawaya creates a brick portrait of Biff.

Snowmobiling great Jay Quinlan performs stunts on 53rd Street; actor-cum-wrester Dwayne ""The Rock"" Johnston promotes Be Cool; Solomon Burke blows the roof off The Ed with a pair of songs.

""Would You Like To Take A Ride On A Dog Sled?"" on 53rd Street; Kirstie Alley wants to become promiscuous and discusses her new show ""Fat Actress""; Alan has a stern word for Christo's wife Jeanne Claude; Kathleen Edwards performs.

2004 Indianapolis 500 champion Buddy Rice with ""Top Ten Reasons I Love Racing;"" Vin Diesel talks about his dog, and his new film The Pacifier; Amos Lee sings.

Outgoing CBS anchorman Dan Rather looks back at his fifty years in broadcasting and the scandal that prematurely ended his career.

Dave is able to work the phrase ""needlessly circuitous"" into the interview with Amanda Peet, plus he admires her profile; Alan gives suggestive advice to Condoleeza Rice; Susan Hum refuses to give her picks for the Final Four tournament; marathon man Dean Karnazes discusses the joy of running.

Dave thanks the FBI and the Montana police for their efforts following a botched kidnapping involving his son last week; Pat Farmer celebrates ""March Madness"" by trying to duplicate his 90 foot drop shot into a goal on 53rd Street; Sandra Bullock doesn't talk about boyfriend Jesse James, but does plug Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; ""Alan Kalter's Are You ****ing Kidding Me?"" takes a look at the Robert Blake verdict; Gwen Stefani discusses high school and performs ""Hollaback Girl"" with a drumline and sits down for a chat.

Jessica Alba plugs Sin City and performs a lasso demonstration with Dave; staffer Susan Hum is reluctant to explain string theory; Queens of the Stone Age perform ""Little Sister.""

""On Sale Now"" (a variation on ""New Products"") includes room-temperature sushi and flammable curtains; Pat and Kenny read a transcript of an interview between Oprah and Kirstie Alley; Dave closes the show by promoting Japanese gum.

An audience member walks on her hands, wrap her legs around Dave, and pulls herself up; Dave shows a clip from the NBC soap ""Passions""; Denzel Washington discusses sailing and drinking large amounts of water.

Roof problems at the theater results in rainwater onstage; Dave worries over Dengue fever; ""Will It Float?"" hits a snag when a bucket of gumdrops topples over; matchmaking cabbie Ahmed Ibrahim brags about his abilities as an interceder.

Dave explains how he cut his finger with a cheese grater, then confesses to having a great admiration for lesbians; in her first appearance on the show in 19 years, Jane Fonda discusses her marriage to Ted Turner and her infamous visit to Vietnam; Bloc Party performs ""Banquet.""

Dave and Paul are quizzed about tax exemptions; a bearded Robin Williams discusses everything from Dave's jury duty to welding; Martha Wainwright (sister of Rufus) performs ""When The Day Is Short.""

One day after his 58th birthday, waffles are hucked at the audience. Quote Dave: ""Why do I need joke writers when I have waffles?"" Also, the Late Show recreates testimony from the Michael Jackson trial in which the ""King of Pop"" (Gerard) makes an ass of himself; the new Miss USA Chelsea Cooley delivers the Top Ten; David Duchovny promotes House Of D.; Ray Lamontagne performs.

A lucky motorist wins $100 worth of free gasoline, which is spent up in less than five seconds; Alan has another hissy fit, this time in a Michael Jackson costume; singer-actress Kristen Chenoweth discusses painkillers.

Tonight's clip from the NBC serial ""Passions"" features a monkey comforting a middle-aged woman; Dave meets the employees of Angelo's Pizza; Spamalot star Hank Azaria admits to Dave that he's a lousy dancer; author Jeff MacGregor discusses his year-long observational tour of the NASCAR circuit, and his subsequent book, Sunday Money.

Cold opening: Dave runs into a nude (yet blurred) Teri Hatcher who's locked out of her dressing room; ""Late Show Week In Review"" with Vinnie Favale as Elvis, a SWAT team kitty and Alan with a bevy of hookers; ""Will It Float?"" (a bag of fertilizer...no); Teri talks about swimming with a whale; Harry Hill performs standup.

Throughout the night, wax figures of celebrities that refuse to appear on the show are rolled onstage. One stagehand accidentally cops a feel on the Oprah statue, while Regis storms onstage to complain about his wax likeness.

Live via satellite, Dorothy Letterman performs the Top Ten; in honor of Cinco De Mayo, a city bus crashes into a giant pinata; Kasabian performs ""Club Foot.""

Like he does every Kentucky Derby weekend, Dave calls up Dave Johnson to hear him say ""...and down the stretch they come!""; Christina Applegate promotes the musical ""Sweet Charity"" and discusses a recent injury onstage; Brian Regan performs a stand-up routine about cholesterol and heartburn.

Ben Stiller and Shelly Fairchild stop by. Also, Top Ten with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Cedric The Entertainer; Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon; musical guests The Black Eyed Peas.

Russell Crowe; Paul Anka.

Katie Holmes; musical group Shout Out Louds.

Al Franken; Ellen Pompeo.

Nicole Kidman; Foo Fighters.

Dan Aykroyd; Bill Scheft; musician Mike Doughty.

Denis Leary; Alanis Morissette.

BIll Clinton; Ringo Starr.

Mark Wahlberg; racing driver Juan Pablo Montoya.

Christopher Walken; U.S. Open golf champion Michael Campbell; musical guest Billy Corgan.

Lindsay Lohan; sports commentator Chris ""Mad Dog"" Russo.

Michael Keaton (""Herbie Fully Loaded""); author David Sedaris.

Tom Cruise (""War of the Worlds""); musical guest Ben Folds.

Tim Robbins promotes ""War of the Worlds;"" the Purina Junior Agility Dog Challgenge is briefly subjected to controversy; comedian Nick Griffin does stand-up.

Actor Jeff Goldblum; musical guests Sleater-Kinney.

Piedmont Bird Callers; Julian McMahon (""Fantastic Four""); musician Raul Midon.

Tom Brokaw; actress Dakota Fanning.

Actress Jennifer Connelly; musical group Eels.

Michael Chiklis; comedian Gary Mule Deer; new summer toys with Shannon Eis.

Kelly Preston, Jeff Altman and Aimee Mann